Deciduous

by Private Eleanor

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credits

released June 25, 2002

Made as winter turned to spring in 2002.
All songs and sounds created, captured, and owned by Austin Stahl.
Released by OTPRecords, 2002.

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Private Eleanor Baltimore, Maryland

Private Eleanor was a band from Baltimore, 2001–2007.

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Track Name: Wake-up call (for spring)
So here's a wake-up call, for the spring I've delayed. Think I remember how. A little more's coming back to me every day. The birds get louder every morning, trying harder to find that perfect song for seduction. Shouldn't something a little more important be on my mind? But you know I'm no more advanced, just a slave to the same science. Got the same one-track mind, but at least they've gone flying.

There are wars being fought, another month of bills to pay. So many doors I could walk through. Seems so unimportant when i'm coming unhinged this way. Is it simply the suggestion of newly uncovered skin? I've got a feeling it goes deeper, to what the trees and the bees and the rats have within. A simple mechanism, warmth that heats us all to the bone. Every one of us commanded by the angle of the sun. The days are longer but the nights are still ours to spend. So come on, wake up, baby, it's spring again. It's spring again.
Track Name: Preservation of sadness
When I close my eyes, let darkness overtake her image in my mind, it's the only time I don't feel blind, feel her. 'Cause I know that if I cannot see her, then she is not really there. And I've done nothing more than stare. No more.

We should be applauding her for her wisdom and her strength, the will to keep me at arm's length. Her need. But pain and protection are only dual fruits of the same tree. Tell me, who's the one who cannot see? It's not me. Am I a figure in your dreams? Or are you a figure in mine?

The feeling's so familiar and it fills the gaps inside a partial heart. That's all she ever wanted from the start: Avoidance. I want a happy ending but she'd rather make down payments on her grave. Already knows the plot and she won't stray, even once. Am I a figure in your dreams? Or are you a figure in mine?
Track Name: Invisible
I am invisible and undetectable and my voice is far too low to hear. And if I don't leave my mark before I leave, you'll never know that I was here. Invisibility is tougher than it seems. I bet you don't even think twice about standing in a crowd or crossing a busy street. Yeah, some sympathy'd be nice. But I, I will understand if all you do is look right through me, I've grown used to that by now. I long to shake your hand but I know you'd never find mine, and I don't know how I'd even tell you to try.

Despite what you'd expect, I don't abuse my state by watching pretty girls undress, or pushing people down and watching them look around and not find the cause of their distress. I am invisible and even though no one sees it, I always hold my head up high. I've got a stylish haircut, shave myself every morning. Yeah, you can't say that I don't try. Atheists would insist that I don't exist. Until they find a cure I'll never be quite sure what we're searching for.

I am invisible and undetectable and my voice is far too low to hear. And before I leave I'm gonna make this world finally know that I was here.
Track Name: The clothes make the man
They say that time heals all wounds. I haven't heard much about the scars. Twenty years ought to be enough to make a life you would die for, you could die for. I could die.

They say the clothes make the man. I'll take any help I can get. I found a pair of shoes that add an inch and a half to my height.
Track Name: Unsent gemini love note
We run through the seasons, and still here I wait, with your promises unkept and mine unmade. You said I was stubborn, I know it's not true, and I'll prove that you're wrong if it's the last thing I do. You don't know what it takes not to be where you are. I don't know if you could do better. But I'd throw out all of my records. I'll be what you want me to be. I'll smile all the way as we drive to the edge of the sea.

You don't know where you're going, but still you've got plans, and I'm going to fit in the best that I can. If you left here tomorrow, I'd follow you down, a proud graceful spiral and into the ground. You don't know what it takes not to be where you are. I don't know if I'll ever do better. But I'd throw out all of my records. I'll be what you want me to be. I'll smile all the way as we drive to the edge of the sea.

The day's gonna come when you'll see what I meant in all of those love notes that I never sent. You know I don't see nothing wrong in helping my old fears along. I pray that I'm wrong and you won't leave me this way.
Track Name: Negative space
The spitting lines are splayed out, creating light, pretending shadow. The depth that you aspire to is in fact only paper-shallow. The shapes across the surface are nothing when compared to the volumes we created once, as our bodies trapped the air. But you've been silent for so long. It's time to arrive. Pin your hopes to my walls, I'll only take you alive.

And there's a likeness somewhere in the negative space, a talent someone used to think I had. I know you'll find it, hiding there, one version of a face that we may never see again. You know I'll be there to greet you in the fall, to ask if you even thought of me at all.

The orange dot on your cigarette pulls at the corner of my eye. I'm sure they've got a fancy name for that upstairs where we die. What an affectation, ambition's necessary prop. I've got enough to get along, you're still too good to stop. It's been noisy for so long. It's time for a dive. I might erase what I've done here, but what I leave keeps me alive.
Track Name: Leave me to the noises
I recorded your laughter through the floorboards and played it back to see what I'd been missing. It was only muffled nonsense but I could tell it had nothing to do with me. Maybe you were planning another trip, leave me to an empty house, the noises to myself again. The creak of the stairs, the neighbor's television through the wall. They let me listen when I don't have anyone else to call. They speak to me as friends do, they hold nothing back. I can't see why no one else will treat me like that.
Track Name: To make these petals fall
I sit and read her words as she sleeps. My melancholy maiden. They touch me hold me pull me in and twist me up. But I cannot claim them. Who are you? Maybe she dreams of me as I read. We tell each other stories. Her relief from the nightmares in between is only temporary. Who are you? And what did you do to make these petals fall? I watch her as the morning sun falls on her, my hesitating beauty. I touch her hold her pull her in and twist her up. But would she claim me, or hold on to you? What did you do to make these petals fall? To make this ink run? To draw blood? And what would you say if I told you: You can remain the one she dreams about, and when she feels her skin against mine, if she pretends it's yours I won't mind. If it will keep her here. In this world. In this world.
Track Name: Lullaby (for winter)
The sidewalks are covered, and colored the same as the sky. The children are tracing each other's tracks one foot at a time. The kid on the corner says, "What a fine day to play." I can't remember the last time I thought of it that way. So we sit and we watch through the window as the headlights drift by, and imagine the drivers all silently cursing the sky. You say, "It's funny, but there was a time when I would have given anything to see that layer of white. I don't feel different, I don't feel old. But now all it is is a nuisance that comes with the cold."